Sunday, October 29, 2000

Well, I have basketball tryouts tomorrow. I am really nervous. There's like a 85% chance that I'll make the team. I have that feeling like I want to be on the team and then I don't. The basketball season is really long and the other girls on the team make me nervous. They know that I suck and I know that I suck. Yesterday I went to the mall with Liz. She is so great to hang with. Sometimes we don't know what to say sometimes and we do have our differences, but she is really great to talk to. She's feels exactly how I feel. We went to two book stores and we both didn't want to leave. Anyway, it was really good to get out of the house. I can't stand being at my house anymore because everything in my house seems depressing to me. I have been eating a lot more too because of it. I keep getting depressed every single weekend. I just need to get happy some how. Ever since Nathen broke up with me, I've just been tired, depressed, lazy, hungry, really bored, and sad. I can't get out of this rut that I'm in. I'm stuck. One good thing about my weekend was that I finally cleaned my room. It was such a disaster before. Also Nathen talked to me today which was nice, but not the same. When I talk to him on the phone he doesn't realize how much pain I'm in. I know he didn't mean to cause me any pain, and he was such a good boyfriend. I think I was the one that caused our relationship to fail. I was so full of myself all the time. I love listening to his voice. I love to hear him talk. He could be calling me a bitchy whore or something and I would still like the way he talks. I even miss him grabbing my ass. He did it all the time and I really didn't mind it. I told him I did, but really I didn't. He also always had these funny faces and he would stick out his tongue. His body made me so horny crazy. But mostly I loved his gourgous eyes. He was beautiful.

Friday, October 27, 2000

I am at school and I just got my report card. It's a pretty good report card, but I could do better. I got like 4 B's and 2 A's. I want to get straight As!! Also today, Nathen's twin is so cute. His eyes are exactly like Nathen's when he stares at me. It drives me crazy. Anyway, I might get to go to Six Flags tomorrow which is cool. That reminds me that I have to call Liz today to ask her if she's going. I also have to work today. Money, money, money!!! Anyway, more later.
















Thursday, October 26, 2000

I swear I can be such a bitch sometimes. I am so cruel to my parents. I want to act mean to them because I feel like they're being mean to me, but I know they're not trying to be mean. They know the truth about me. They can see right through me all the time. It's like they can read my mind and I can't stand it. I guess I can't handle the truth. Anyway, I am such a dork. I really need to get better at basketball. I really suck. I also run funny which doesn't help matters. I am not well coordinated I guess, I don't know. Everytime I go to basketball, I feel like someone is always thinking bad thoughts about me or they make fun of me. That's why I have always thought about quitting basketball. I like to play basketball, it's just that I don't know what I'm doing. Everyone else knows that I don't play very well. Some girls in basketball are really nice and they give me compliments. Others tell me what I'm doing wrong, which is I guess a good thing to do too. I guess I'm too sensitive. That's my problem. I need to get a better self-esteem or something. I also wonder if depression is hereditary. I'll have to find that out. Anyway, enough of all these thoughts.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

I'm at school again thinking about him like always. I actually did my homework today. I am so proud of myself. ::tear:: I'm just kidding. Anyway, school is moving along great now. I think my next report card will be great. Maybe even straight As. Who knows? How do you get someone out of your head? By the way, my friend Kristen talked to him yesterday and he said that he didn't break up with me to go out with another girl. ::sigh of relief:: I know some day though that he will get a girlfriend and when he does, I will be jealous to bits. I miss him so much. I think something came up in his head when he broke up with me. He seems different now or maybe something really bad happened. I don't know. More later.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Here I go writing again. I swear I am addicted to blogger already. All my entries are really boring and pointless, but they make me feel better. So, maybe they're not pointless. Anyway, I really want to change. I know I say that a lot, but I really really really want to change. I want to become this girl in my mind. I know that once I become this girl I will want to become who I am now. I know that doesn't make any sense, but as long as it make sense to me, that's all that really counts. I know I am a conceited little bitch. I really think that I am spoiled too. Now, that's one thing I don't want to become. I don't want to be a spoiled brat. I want to buy my own clothes my own stuff and just take care of all these respondsibilities on my own, but I know I can't handle that. I really need to start doing my homework. I never do it anymore and I know I should. I guess I'm lazy. I am such a procrastinator that's my problem. Like my dad says,"You need to take the bull by the horns."

I just realized that I love my family. I absolutely love my family. They mean the world to me, but they don't know who I really am. I told Nathen a lot of personal stuff about me. I think he knows more than anyone else. I hope we can be friends. I really don't want to just kick him out of my life, because he is a great friend. I know I tend to get jealous a lot of him, but that's just my nature. I love my friends, except sometimes I think they don't understand. I really need to listen to my friends and understand them more than I usually do. They give me a lot more than just friendship. I guess if I didn't have them, I would probably kill myself. I always say that I am going to kill myself, but I know that I never will. I just want to end all of this chaos. My stress level is up the wall and I made it go up there. All the problems in my life are made by me. I have to live my own life and not count on everyone else to try and guide me. Like I always say, I need a life.

Anyway, about this girl I want to become. She's organized, creative, optimistic, happy, never depressed, honest, trustworthy, understanding, a good listener, focused, a deep thinker, a daydreamer, outgoing, and just a girl next door. That's who I want to become. But that's just too perfect.
Why am I always depressed? God damnit what is wrong with me. I really need to get a life. I can't stop thinking about him. Every single day is a struggle to try not to think of him. He called me, but my mom told me not to him back. I don't even know why he called me. What does he want with me anymore? He is so much better than me...why did he call me? I mean I wanted him to call me. I would just wait by the phone and wish for him to call. My heart still feels so hurt. Now that he probably has a girlfriend, I feel even worse. I know he deserves someone better than me, but before he was mine. Now he's gone and he won't come back. God I miss him so much. It kills me. I can't stand this single life. I mean some of it is good, but other wise I would rather be in his arms. I hate being alone. I want his love again.
I am at school right now and I found out today that Nathen probably has a girlfriend. That made me so depressed and my self-esteem went down hill. I am of course jealous. I am always jealous. That's my nature. Anyway, I felt sick in geometry. I felt like I was going to throw up or something. Other wise my day was pretty okay. I go an A- on my geometry test which is awesome! I am also getting a B in Biology. It could be better. Anyway, that's all for now.

Monday, October 23, 2000

Well, I'm back again typing in my thoughts because I have been wasting my whole damn day looking at web sites. I am on this computer way too much. I really need to get a life. I have tried to start reading this book called Bridget Jone's Diary. You might have heard of it. Even though I have started a book a long time ago called Where the Heart Is. I always seem lazy to read books or I have to read more than one at a time. I don't know why that is, but I really think that I should read more. Maybe I just try to read books to try to look intelligent. I have really no idea. The only idea in my head right now is that I am depressed. I am always depressed or I always think that I am depressed. I am just so bored of everything that maybe I need something new. I guess I have been really depressed lately since the break up with Nathen. He still hasn't called me since I have wished him happy birthday. I don't understand at why he wants to be friends and then he doesn't call me. I was also very nice to wish him a happy birthday and call him. I know I called him too much since he broke up with me. I just miss him so much that it drives me crazy. My whole life came crashing down on that one night when he came over to my house and ended our loving relationship. We were together for a year! I feel like I wasted a whole year of my life. We called each other every single day. We missed each other and deeply adored each other. At least I thought so. Maybe he really didn't love me or like me at all. Maybe he is like all the other guys and he just wanted sex from me or something, but I don't think so. I think I know everything about him, and yet also I remember him not telling me very much about how he feels about things. I really was blind. I just went through the whole relationship blind as a bat. Now I feel I will never fall in love again. My parents tell me that I will date other guys, but who? Who really gives a damn about me? Lately I have been falling in love with every guy I see. Every time I see a guy I think about what would happen if we dated each other. I just had a dream last night about this guy I saw in the school play. He was a really good kisser. I still remember the kiss. It was like someone's lips were caressing mine so tenderly, I would melt like a stick of butter. God, I really start to wonder what is going to happen with my life. Maybe I will never find anyone again. I know someone is out there though with the same dreams as mine. He's probably thinking about the same thing I am right now. He's looking for someone like me. A girl that doesn't exist.
All I can say is welcome everyone! I feel like I am talking to nobody because I know nobody knows about this site except me. I don't know what I am going to do with this right now except to go along and write whatever I feel like and design this site the best I can. You need to start some where.
So this is past the stars...my little place out in the galaxy in which no one knows about right now. Who knows I might start a party out here once people visit this place. This is my place to get away from the real world, earth, and just dream and think. That's what I love to do. I think everyone else does too. You get sick of the same old rutein (sorry about the spelling) day after day. You need to go to some place where pigs fly, unicorns exist, there's no gravity, and everything is backwards. That's my place.
So come to my place out here past the stars... and just dream away...