Sunday, November 26, 2000

Hey...I haven't typed in this thing for awhile. Well, that's because not much is going on. My 4-day weekend was great. Today I saw 102 Dalmations. Hehehe. I love Disney movies. Went to Kohls and got a pair of cordaroy pants and a baseball shirt. I don't need anymore clothes! I really need to stop getting stuff. I feel so spoiled all the time. I buy a lot of stuff of my own, but I still feel so spoiled. Yesterday I didn't eat anything. I only drank water. I don't know why I did it. I guess I just wanted to see whether I could not eat anything for a day. I really missed food too. All I could think about was Burger King and McDonalds. Anyway, I never really have anything interesting to say. The people that read this are probably thinking, "BOORRRIIINNGG!" Nathen came over to my house yesterday to drop off my pictures and film. He wanted to leave right away. I told him I wanted to tell him something. I told him thank you. My parents kept trying to find out what I was doing. Nathen was probably thinking, "When is she going to leave me alone?" He told me he was sorry he didn't call me and that he was busy all the 2 weeks. I know that's probably not true. I mean it could be, but seriously....2 weeks. Anyway, he doesn't need to call me anymore. I know he's probably sick of me. The one thing he did that was sweet is that he gave me a hug. I should have squeezed harder. Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he gave me one. And for the last time...he left me.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000

Well, things didn't work out the way I wanted it to be, but life is always full of surprises. Nathen is sweet, I guess. I don't really know. I am just really...out of focus right now. I told myself, "I need to move on. I need to move on." Though it is really hard. I really did really like Nathen. Now, he's changed. I guess I've changed too. I hope we can be friends, but it seems like he doesn't want to. I don't know what he's thinking anymore. He's moved on and I'm still just here. God I feel so alone. But you know the weird thing is I even felt alone when I was dating Nathen. Jason asked me why I feel alone all the time, and I told him I didn't know. I really don't know. anyway...I feel like shit. My whole life is crashing down and I can't keep up. I tell myself to keep on going, but it's hopeless. I guess my heart is still healing. I know Nathen didn't mean to hurt me, but he did. And I think I hurt myself too because I loved him and needed him so much. I am too afraid to love again. I feel I don't trust people anymore. I'm sick of seeing all these beautiful people dating other beautiful people. Where is my person? I'm such a dork. My life is going no where. I wonder if Nathen is reading this. I doubt it. I bet he never really liked me as much as I liked him. I bet his guy brains kicked in some how. I've lost him. And I will never get him back. I will never get those loving eyes back that stared at me all the time. I loved it when he stared at me.

I really need to move on. I don't know how I can though. No one is there. I feel so alone and it really sucks. I don't know how to move on. I'm am such a ........nothing...I'm not even there. I'm just gone.

Sunday, November 12, 2000

Confused as all hell like always. What's-his-name asked me out and then yesterday we "played" around. I don't know if he really likes me or if he's just going out with me to get some. I know I really like him, but I don't know why he wants to go out with me again. It was fun this weekend because we steamed up the windows in Pete's car. Hehe. I tried to be spontanious with Nathen, but I don't think that worked too well. It's really hard to impress him and get him horny or whatever. Anyway, I hope things will turn out. I'm listening to Q101 right now, bored as hell, waiting for dream boy to call. Here are some places to go for now. Places I visit:
Hazy.org
Phunkystew.com
aesthetic
Footprints
Syntetika.com
Frontfreak.com
Font Garden

Friday, November 10, 2000

Well, Luis as always is acting like he always is acting. Look what he put up on CLS Loser about me: CLS Loser News Most of it is a lie. I tried to tell him that I like guys for their personalities more than a guy's looks. They put words into my mouth saying that I said Greg was fat, when really I never said that nor will I ever say that.Their site is pretty messed up, but it's funny. I know I did say that I like looking at guys' bodies. Now that's the truth, but most of it they made up to make it interesting. Anyway, life is going pretty good for me. I'm depressed as always, but I'm excited about going to the movies on Saturday. Tonight I was invited to a party to hang out. My parents are being annoying by trying to make up excuses so I don't go. Anyway, more boring thoughts later...

Wednesday, November 08, 2000

I should be studing for my ancient civilizations test right now, but as always...I don't feel like it. I have that Sarah McLachlan song in my head-"Your love is better than ice cream. Better then anything else that I've tried." That's exactly how I felt with Nathen. God damnit! Why can't I stop thinking about him. The only thing I can do is stop thinking. My friend Kristen told me something that I thought was so sweet of her. She said,"You're just a pretty shy person waiting to blossom." My friends are so awesome. Sometimes they can get pretty crazy and pshycotic, but other wise they are so wonderful. I wish I wasn't so shy and boring. I don't know how I am ever going to get another boyfriend.

Sunday, November 05, 2000

I feel so much better! A rock has been lifted off of my shoulders! I talked to Nathen just a few minutes ago and I told him everything I felt. He just listened. He listened! That's what I love about him because he's one in million that listen to me. He told me that he was really busy and he seemed really stressed out. He doesn't have much time anymore to do things. He got a new job at Blockbuster, which is the perfect job for him, and he's just been really busy lately. Now I understand and know that he's not trying to ignore me. He's just been into too much other things. He also said that he wants to be friends. Before I didn't know if he wanted to be friends or if he just wanted to break away from me forever. I wouldn't be able to survive if he just didn't talk to me anymore. But still I don't know what he's thinking. I know he's moved on and I realized that I need to move on too. I don't need a boyfriend all the time. It's hard to be single, and then it's totally fun! It's bittersweet like everything else. I feel so bad for him because he's probably totally stressed out. I think I'll just talk to him like once a week because he has other important things to do. We can be friends. I know we can be friends because we did before. It's just going to be really hard. I would be better if we were more than friends, but we both need to move on. He made me realize that there's more out there to experience other than dating. Dating is really fun, but it can get dull after awhile. I feel so awake now like I was dreaming before. Nathen has changed my life. Many people have changed my life. I am really lucky to have what I have now. Why be depressed all the time?
That's a real big problem with me because I am always depressed. I think the reason for that is because my life and the people in it our depressing. My mom has problems, my two older sisters have problems with it and also some of my very good friends. Why do I have to be another depressing person? What if I am just happy and bummed out sometimes? I also realized I want to do so much more than what I usually do. I think some day I want to go sky diving or bungee jumping. That sounds like a lot of fun. I know I would be totally freaked out, but I think I could do it. Anyway, enough of all this typing. I have much more to do. I just want to say thanks to the people in my life for being who they are.

Saturday, November 04, 2000

Well, I saw Nathen and Liz yesterday like I hoped. I slept over at Liz's house and I think we both had a lot of fun. I love sleepovers at her house. They're so much fun and there's always something to do. We watched movies and went on the internet and just hung out. She's so wonderful! Every time I go to her house I always feel comfortable. She's knows how to make people happy. We went to Blockbuster in Lake in the Hills and Nathen was working. I got so nervous. My stomach started to hurt, my body started to shake and I just felt sick. That was the first time I saw him since he broke up with me. I didn't know what he was thinking when I was there. He was probably thinking," what the hell is she doing here?" He looked so wonderful when I saw him. He acted like he usually acts and he was just so...there. I wanted to just touch his face again. Talk to him, but I was so afraid to talk. I wanted to say so much like I miss you to death and you look really cute today, but I can't say that anymore. I know he already moved on. He maybe already found someone he's really interested in. Me...I can't bring myself to love anybody else. Last night, I dreamed that I met him again. I told him a bunch of things like I love him and I miss him, but he didn't care. He even yelled at me in my dream. I know he would never do that to me in real life, but it was just...weird.

Friday, November 03, 2000

Hey! I'm at school again. I have nothing to say but that I miss Nathen and Liz. Hopefully I will see both of them tonight. More later...

Thursday, November 02, 2000

Well, I didn't make the basketball team...No! I'm just kidding! I really did make the basketball team. I am on the B team though, but still it's an honor to be on the team. I am actually excited that basketball season is starting. I just hope the girls on the team will be nicer this year than they were last year. I think I will do great this year if I try hard. I didn't do my homework today as usually, but I have been doing my homework at school. Thank god for study halls. Also, my friend Kryssi has been really nice to me lately. She's been writing me notes and she says she feels bad that I'm kinda being left out. At least she knows how I feel. Friends are so wonderful. They can always bring you back up when you're feeling down. I also learn a lot from my friends. I don't know what I would do without them. Also, I'm thinking about inviting Nathen to the movies tomorrow as friends. I also want to bring Liz along because it would be kinda ackward if she wasn't there. She also probably wanted to see a movie too. Anyway, I better go to bed other wise I will never get up tomorrow. More tomorrow.
I found a few really good quotes from Divinity.je Here are my favorites:

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you the same."

"Love is when a person knows who you are and loves you anyway."

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not."




Wednesday, November 01, 2000

Here are some links:
Soap-bubble

CLS Loser-made by the losers of Crystal Lake South High School: Luis, Ryan, Greg

Divinity.je

CLS Band-made by Ryan Morales




It's the beginning of a new month! Yippee! That means Christmas vacation is getting closer and closer. Anyway, basketball tryouts seem to be going well. Today is the day I find out whether I make the team or not. I am still really nervous, but I think it will be okay. I failed my Ancient Civilization test probably yesterday. I guess I'll have to try harder next time. This weekend I have to go to the movies. I haven't seen a movie in so long. Except I have to work on Saturday. Halloween yesterday was fun. A lot of people at school were dressed up. Not a lot of trick or treaters came to our house though. That means more candy for me! Anyway, I don't know what else to talk about. I am going to give you a bunch of links to places I go to. Got to get off now because the people in the library our kicking me off.